Friday, January 4, 2013

5 Really Unsexy Things You'll Have To Do During The Zombie Apocalypse

When the zombie apocalypse happens, and it is going to happen, you're probably not going to band together with your friends, who always thought you were an idiot for even thinking this could happen, because they're probably dead. Unless you already own a firearm of some description you're probably not going to have one and it's most definitely not going to result in your saving a sexy damsel in distress at some point because no one is going to be attractive anymore if they're trying to survive.

1. Cut Your Hair

It's probably the last thing you'll think of but realistically it should be the first, because you really, really don't want a zombie to grab you by the hair. Imagine dying like that knowing that you could have prevented it.
So how short do I cut it you ask? You should basically be just a step above bald - this goes for both men and women, and there's very few women who are going to look good like that.

2. Wear Tight Clothes

A lot of you are probably reading this and thinking, 'nice'. Well, you're wrong, it won't be sexy because most people aren't movie-star sexy in real life. Think about your overweight basement dwelling nerd of a neighbor (who's actually a genius because he's been preparing for this for years) wearing a skin tight morph suit of some description to avoid being grabbed by zombies. See, not sexy, not sexy at all.
But we'll all get pretty skinny and fit trying to survive so it might get a little sexier.

3. Pee In Front Of People

You can't just wander off into the bushes to save your modesty when you need to go. Male or female, your companions need to be able to see you at all times for everyone's safety. I mean this isn't The Walking Dead you're friends aren't going to brave a forest and search a zombie's insides to see if he ate you, if you go missing you're dead, if you get bitten you're dead. So pee where you can be seen ok?

4. Wear Dirty Clothes

Especially at the beginning of the apocalypse. It's not like you're going to be breaking into to houses to wash your clothes. Staying 'presentable' will be the last thing on your mind. You'll probably wear the same BO ridden shirt for weeks, maybe months before you've secured a location enough to even consider washing them.
If you're lucky you might come across unworn clothes that fit you in your travels but I wouldn't count on it.

5. Not Brush Your Teeth

Probably the least sexy thing a human being can do and, believe me, you won't be doing it for a while. Food and survival are going to be your top priorities and when things start getting serious I'm sure you'll agree to forgo your dental hygiene rather than venture into that ominous looking supermarket just for a toothbrush.

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